A cold email can be correct and still invisible.
Mine said what we do, why it’s good, and asked for a call. Then I read it as the person receiving it.
Here’s the before, the after, and what changed. https://x.com/i/article/2117473466811367424
My cold email was clear, polite and boring. Here's how I fixed it.
I was setting up a new outbound campaign last week, for founders running small teams.
I wrote the first email in ten minutes. It said what we do, why it’s good, and asked for a call. Nothing wrong with it.
Then I read it as the person receiving it, and I would have deleted it.
Below is how that email changed and why, with the full final version near the end.
If you’re writing your first sequence, you’ll see what to skip. If you’ve sent thousands, you’ll probably recognise a habit or two.
TL;DR:
→ A correct email can still be invisible
→ Asking a stranger to watch a video is a big ask
→ “Want me to send over how it works?” is an easier yes
→ Start with their problem, then the result, then the product
→ Give each follow-up a job
The first draft
Roughly what I wrote:
Hi {{first_name}},
I help small teams automate outbound. We find leads, write messages and handle replies, so you can focus on closing.
I recorded a short video showing how it works for someone in your seat: [video link]
Worth a look?
Read it as a busy founder.
Every cold email says “we automate X” and has a link in it. You wouldn’t click, and you probably wouldn’t finish reading.
The email wasn’t bad, it just had no reason to be in that inbox.
Taking the video out
I thought a video felt personal.
To a stranger it’s a chore: click, wait, watch, decide whether you’re worth the time, all before they know who you are.
So the video became a question.
The final email ends on “Want me to send over how it works?”
It takes one word to answer, and a “yes” tells me someone is interested.
A view on a video tells me much less.
Opening with them
The first draft opened with me. The final one opens with the problem:
Most founders I talk to know they should be doing outbound. They just never have the time. Client work wins, and the pipeline goes quiet.
It works because it’s true and they feel it. They’re nodding before they know what I’m selling.
Right after that comes what I built, and only then the ask. Their pain first, then the result, then the product.
Saying who it’s from, and what it costs.
The product line is written in first person: “I built an AI LinkedIn marketer for that.”
The person replying is talking to the person who made it.
The email also states the pricing up front: <pricing details>. Anyone who replies already knows the cost.
Short paragraphs
On a phone, three lines of text looks like a wall. I split everything into one or two lines, so it reads like someone typed it quickly.
Spintax
Spintax means writing options inside curly brackets. The tool picks one at random for each email. Here’s the greeting from mine:
{Hi|Hey|Hello} {{first_name}},
Nearly every line in the email has a version like that. The full email below shows one version of each, so it’s readable.
The one rule I held myself to is that the options have to mean the same thing, so the words change and the offer stays put. No two recipients get the identical email, which helps with deliverability.
It also gives me a bit of free variation to learn from.
Signing like a company
The bottom has a name, the company and a real postal address.
It makes the email look legitimate, and in a lot of places the address is a legal requirement for commercial email.
The last email in the sequence also gets a way out:
If this isn’t relevant, reply with “remove” and I’ll make sure you don’t hear from us again. No hard feelings.
It costs nothing and protects the sender reputation.
Giving each follow-up a job
Most follow-ups are “just bumping this”, which adds nothing. Mine each answer a question the reader might have by then:
- Follow-up 1 removes the risk. Something like: “If you try it and it’s not for you, you can stop any time and nothing goes out without your approval.”
- Follow-up 2 meets the doubt directly. Something like: “I know this sounds like everything else in your inbox. The difference is that it does the work instead of handing you another tool to run.”
These are examples of the idea, not the exact copy.
The full email
This is the final first email, with one version of each option picked so you can read it:
What I don’t know yet
I don’t have reply rates for this version. The campaign hasn’t been through enough sends to say anything honest about it.
What I can say is that every change came from asking one question: if I got this, would I reply?
A cold email works better as a small question with a reason to answer.
Start from their problem and ask for less.